In Finchley, North London, an uncanny trend has emerged on the local high street. Seemingly regular shops, from mobile repair stores to cosy restaurants, exist as fronts for consolidating cash into offshore bank accounts. These stores, far from striving for profit, embrace an unique business model – avoiding customers at all costs.
Our report lifts the lid on the employees tasked with maintaining the illusion of a functioning business, as they navigate the daily gauntlet of awkward encounters and improvisation.
In an exclusive interview, a mobile phone repairer who asked to remain anonymous recounted his experiences. “They hired me as I had done some acting roles back home. You remember Series 7 Episode 11 of Law and Order? The hot dog vendor? I was standing behind him”
“I don’t know the first thing about repairing phones.” he confessed, his hands visibly shaking as he recalled his encounters. “One customer brought in a broken phone, and I just channelled my inner builder, turning it over, huffing and shaking my head until he left”
Similarly, in a nondescript restaurant a few blocks away, a self-proclaimed chef explains his culinary skills are as non-existent as the restaurant’s clientele.
“It’s a nightmare when someone actually comes in to order food,” he revealed, his voice laden with dread. “I can’t even cook toast without burning it. Last week, a family walked in and I had to serve a selection of Tesco Meal deals, claiming it was our ‘special of the day’.”
Indeed, it’s hard to deny the unique challenges these employees face. As one disgruntled worker put it, “Did they ever have this problem in The Godfather? This is just bad management.”. “The American Candy stores have it right – their loud music, bright colours and high prices mean no customers come – In Finchley they can’t manage that”
These tales of pretence and fear illuminate another side of Finchley’s high street. The shops may be just a front, and their employees mere pawns in a larger game of illicit money transactions. Yet the psychological toll on these hapless employees is real and deeply concerning.
Psychologist Dr Sally Foreman explained “For some, their sense of worth comes from their work. Without that you’ll see the same pacing up and down shown by caged zoo animals, eventually resulting in a career within local government”
Asking one worker why he chooses such a career he shrugged and said “I guess it beats getting a real job” a sentiment that would resonate with most.
This is Garibaldi Fantosh, reporting from Finchley, North London, where the question, ‘Can I help you?’ takes on a whole new meaning.